The Consummate Conservatives Survival Qualification Test

There are probably some folks who label themselves as conservative but are not clear about what the label conservative means. Then there are degrees of conservative political affiliation such as Alto Rabid Conservative, Rabid Conservative, Alto Conservative, Mezzo Alto Conservative, Mezzo Conservative, Pico Conservative, Nano-Conservative, and Quasi-Liberal.
I have tried to be sensitive to the cognitive and educational level of the average conservative by using mostly one, two, and three syllable words constructed in sentences that are easily understood by a sixth grade elementary school student. The following questions are not constructed to be multiple choice, essay, or trick questions, but rather simple yes or no questions, as it would be unfair and patronizing to take advantage of the conservative’s simplistic view of the world.
I have tried to cover a broad range of subjects that touch primarily on foreign policy, the Military Industrial Complex, minority rights, religious indoctrination, immigration, and our role as human beings toward one another in the world. At the end of the following questions are simple scoring numbers so that anyone taking this test will know where they clearly stand. I have also ordered the questions in random order, rather than grouping them by subject. I hope my random ordering of the questions does not confuse anyone.
So if you have a pen or pencil available just circle the question numbers that you have answered yes to, and count up the total yes answers, then match them up with your commensurate degree of conservatism outlined at the bottom. If you are still confused as to how to proceed, please feel free to access my blog below and post your questions. I will do my best to respond to you in short order.
1. I believe that the increasing amount of gay marriages has caused an increase in the man-women divorce rate.
2. I stand by my Americas leaders and military with unconditional loyalty, no matter how egregious America’s behavior at home or the rest of the world.
3. Most people who receive welfare are totally capable of earning a respectable living and usually cheat the system.
4. Fox News is the only source of unbiased news that I need to make an informed and quality decision.
5. Capitalism is the only delivery system necessary to deliver goods and services required by our society.
6. Reasonable healthcare for everyone is a socialistic fraud and all Americans should be able to provide for themselves.
7. A women’s right to choose what happens to her unwanted or damaged pregnancy should be primarily decided by men who only know what’s ethically correct.
8. God is a Christian white male.
9. The primary purpose of our military is to provide for “Freedom and Liberation”, not for the protection of economic assets of corporations or the plundering of natural resources from third world countries.
10. America is the epitome of goodness and compassion, we would never invade another country, or oppress other people for alleged greed.
11. Hurricane Katrina is the result of God’s wrath due to evil homosexual activity.
12. Labor unions are totally unnecessary to protect the interests and survival of the working classes.
13. Liberals are ruining this wonderful country by promoting homosexuality, human rights, and equal access by all groups.
14. Public education is totally ineffective and should be disbanded in favor of all private schools where we could have prayer.
15. As a middle class conservative I do not understand how I have been manipulated by the upper class to believe that excessive gun rights, curtailment of immigration, elimination of gay rights, prayer in the schools, and increased military spending are used to cause me to vote against my own best interests.
16. Obama is an extreme Marxist Socialist who has not done anything to reinforce capitalism and our American way of life.
17. The earth is the center of the universe and all other heavenly bodies rotate around it.
18. People who criticize America’s behavior in the world and at home are unpatriotic Americans and should be sent to the same prisons as the terrorists.
19. Man made global warming is a hoax that has been totally constructed by bleeding heart liberals to dismantle our oil and coal industry in favor of sustainable alternative energy.
20. Anyone who would burn or desecrate the “Stars and Stripes” should be whipped in a public square.
21. Most people in countries such as Cuba and Venezuela were much better off before Castro and Chavez came to power; even though the people now have universal health care, are happier, and enjoy a higher standard of living.
22. I trust everything that the mass news media and my government tell me; I would never trust liberal independent sources of news who have no inherent conflicts of interest.
23. The Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank should be contained in ghettos and treated like inferior human beings, because out of desperation a few starting in 1994, started to participate in suicide bombings.
24. Even though I have never traveled extensively in Europe or interviewed the average European I am totally convinced that the European life style is totally inferior to America’s.
25. Only a “crackpot” would believe that the leaders of our government would conspire to harm or kill us; after all we are all loyal patriotic Americans.
26. Our past history of Native American abuse and genocide, and oppressive slavery has been way over exaggerated, and “These People” need to get over themselves and move on.
27. America is still the best place to live for all of our society without regard to education, health care, human rights, and worker rights.
28. A “Real American” would never find fault or criticize our country, as that is treasonous behavior.
29. Ronald Reagan is our political deity, and should never be criticized even though he refused to accept the reality of AIDS, decimated mental health care, removed solar panels from the White House roof, massively increased the size of government, the military, and our national deficits.
30. The gay life style is a sin and can be eliminated by religious prayer.
31. I believe in military solutions to conflict, the death penalty, no prenatal or post natal care, no pre-school or subsidies to poor single mothers, but I am adamantly opposed to all abortion or birth control services for the poor.
32. We will be punished in the next life for our sins.
33. Conservative always know what is best for America, there is no compromising, and bleeding heart liberals are totally out of touch with the real world.
34. All liberals want to do is just tear down America; they have no sense of loyalty, patriotism, or honor.
35. What is best for business is always best for America.
36. There is no need for government regulation of the banking industry, the EPA (was signed by a Conservative), or consumer protection.
37. I believe that we should go back to 150 years ago when everyone knew their place and minority rights were not available to take advantage of our white Christian male heritage.
38. We should outlaw all immigration, specifically the immigration of educated Muslims and Mexicans who chose to do our menial jobs and are taking away jobs from our most deserving white men.
39. India, China, Germany, Marxism, illegal immigration, and minorities are the major cause of this countries downfall.
40. Looking at our own faults and weaknesses is un-American.

How to score the above: Alto-Rabid-Conservative= 36-40 yes, Rabid-Conservative=31-35 yes, Alto-Conservative=26-30 yes, Mezzo-Alto-Conservative=21-25 yes, Mezzo-Conservative=16-20 yes, Pico-Conservative=11-15 yes, Nano-Conservative=6-10, and Quasi-Liberal=1-5.